Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
