I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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