how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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