I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
