Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Two words: nipple clamps
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