My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
