what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
