shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm going to jail i love you
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
