Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
