I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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