If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
babies were throwing up all over the place
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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