Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
