This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
