those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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