If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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