It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
