How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
