You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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