Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just found puke in my bra..
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
