Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
