First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Randomize
