Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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