Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
