Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
