I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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