What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
