My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
