So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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