he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
