it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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