so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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