I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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