i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
