Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
