....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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