I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
