mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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