Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
