did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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