I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
