Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
