Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
