That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
