perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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