The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
