I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
