Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
