Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
