my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
