I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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