I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
