The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
